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I’ve partaken of the guilty pleasure that is watching reality tv in the (not very distant) past. I feel no shame in telling you that I used to take Big Brother pretty seriously way back in the day – as in series 1-5. Well, OK, I do feel some shame, but by nature I don’t have a great deal of shame, so not very much. Anyway, I digress…

New on TV is the UK’s very own series of dance talent contest So You Think You Can Dance. I have officially reached my threshold for shite, trite, vapid reality shows.

I think I may have reached it a couple of years ago actually, but the masochist in me keeps me watching the likes of X Factor. But this? I have to draw the line.

For starters it’s presented by the personification of beige that is Cat Deeley.

So you think you can... hire Rachel Zoe as a stylist & stop eating

She’s not hideous to look at and I’m sure many a bloke’s rubbed one out over her airbrushed FHM pics, but fuck me, she’s dull! Like a 5 year old 10 watt lightbulb viewed through a long unwashed net curtain. She also didn’t bother to wash her hair before tonight’s show either. Personally, I wish she’d fuck off back to the States, where she’s been blowing producers to get ahead plying her trade with some success and rarely appears on my TV screen.

Then there are the judges. And colour me jaded, but what a clusterfuck they are.

Nigel Lithgoe – show creator, ex dancer & choreographer. Am I the only one who thinks he looks like the archetypal sleazy “uncle”. You know the one, the friend of your parents who, throughout your teens, comments on the impressive development of your boobs. “My, my, curlydena, haven’t you grown?”

Arlene Phillips – choreographer and ex Strictly Come Dancing judge recently fired for being too old. And rightly show, she looks like a fucking Terrahawk . She’s also addicted to unnecessary alliteration too; wizened, waffly old witch that she is.

Louise Redknapp – a woman who left a mediocre girl band to marry a footballer, murder Stuck In the Middle With You and once allegedly claimed that “muesli is an important part of my life”. I don’t need to say any more.

And then, there’s some dude called Sisco Gomez who looks like a clown. Seriously, I’m not joking. He’s gone out of his way to style himself as a clown! Now, I’m the last person who’s going to give the guy shit for having curly hair. But come ON! I, of all people, know that wearing a top hat/bowler hat/any hat that just shows the bottom of your curls serves no purpose than to make one look remedial. Couple that with some comedy (lensless?) glasses and a bow tie and what do we have dear reader? We have a complete and utter wankstain, whose judgement can surely mean little more than… well, Louise Redknapp’s love of muesli really.

So you think you can... dress like a total twat